This is all too real for me too. I have commonly made the mistake of offering solutions in response to discussion of the girlfriend's problems when in reality most of the time she isn't looking for solutions and just wants someone to listen, hear it all out, and empathize.
It's a challenging situation for an engineer's brain that defaults to problem solving mode. It's still unnatural for me to turn this mode off and listen without trying to solve. In my head I am probably still trying to solve at least a bit but not vocalizing that, at least in the moment.
> It's a challenging situation for an engineer's brain that defaults to problem solving mode.
I couldn't agree with this more. I have struggled with this myself recently in my relationship, so I'm glad to see this article here.
I'd say it's a safe bet that a much higher percentage of people who frequent HN, compared to the general population, are in the same boat. It's the reason many of us are drawn to programming/ engineering. Emotions are of much less value to our brains/ personalities than logic. I think it will be one of the greatest hurdles for us to having a lasting, happy relationship.
If my wife or I fail to communicate that we want emotional, rather than informational, support we just say “It’s not about the nail” and the other instantly understands.
It's a challenging situation for an engineer's brain that defaults to problem solving mode. It's still unnatural for me to turn this mode off and listen without trying to solve. In my head I am probably still trying to solve at least a bit but not vocalizing that, at least in the moment.