This "problem" goes both ways - many people get very stressed and depressed when listening to someone just "needing to vent" and who does not want/need solutions.
I used to get stressed listening. Now I just re-frame the problem to solve as "making the other person feel better" -- this way I don't feel the urge to offer solutions.
As engineers and problem solvers, we should know how to define the problem properly.
I’m okay with just listening, I can avoid problem-solving, though it helps to be given some cue to avoid it. I have a much harder time with being expected to say something that’s not problem-solving but still somehow helpful; it’s like the problem has been handed over to me but I’m denied the tools to do something about it.
This where I tell couples "it takes a village". In a healthy working "village" there is always someone around who will compensate for weaknesses in both partners that aren't easy to fix. Modern couples have this highly misguided notion that between themselves they can work their way through complex things they aren't trained to handle. The larger their support group (parents, in laws, family, kids, friends) the better the outcomes.
Yep. My tools for handling negative emotion are those of problem solving. If someone wants me to give any emotional thought to their issues -- that is, anything more than an expressionless "that sucks" -- then it's going to involve me thinking of solutions for the problem at hand. To deny me that is to force me to struggle with a difficult emotion I can't process for hours or days.
(To be clear -- I am glad to do that, when the problem doesn't have a solution! Death of a loved one, annoying co-workers, etc.)
Right. Using (abusing) someone as an emotional spit-bucket is certainly no more, and arguably less, considerate than offering solutions to problems.
Particularly in the "repeat" case. If the problem is so unimportant that you are not interested in solving it, then it is also not important enough for me to listen to you bitching about it.
I also find it at least odd how this constructive approach is so commonly viewed as negative, whereas wallowing in self-pity and dragging others down with you somehow as emotionally mature.
It's not. And some newer, less prejudiced research has actually shown that men's coping strategies have better outcomes in terms of psychological health.
So the advice often given to "support" people in their self-destructive behavior is actively harmful.
Yes. This is all so obvious that I wonder why societally we have such a hard time seeing it ... i.e. what are we getting in return for the obvious willful ignorance we are engaging in.
You say that like the inability to be an emotional sponge is the only "problem" here. Can't mindfulness and meditation also help people who feel the need to vent about problems they aren't willing to hear solutions for?
Venting and seeking understanding from others are normal human experiences. Of course, all things can be taken too far or done excessively. A healthy balance is important.
Providing emotional support when it is reasonably needed and when one has the energy to do so seems like a valuable way to have generally beneficial interactions with other people.
Some naturally have more energy for this than others. But it is a skill than can be worked on like any other. And also, as one better understands the value of this type of support, it becomes more rewarding and easier to provide it.
Or the "solution" is for people who have issues but don't want help fixing them not to vent to people who don't have the patience for that. Listening to woe -- especially woe stemming from problems with easy solutions -- is emotionally draining.
Like the GP said, it's a two-way street. Understand your friends and loved ones and compromise.
Again I think you're ignoring the actual solution.
Relationships are not 50/50 compromises. They're a dance of compromises in favor of one party or another at different times. You've got to decide as an individual if the balance is acceptable and I can't say that you seem very giving from your posts.
Again, that's a choice and your right but don't expect reality to conform to your desires because it rarely will.
And I could say the same for your posts, which posit a single problem and solution ("the actual solution" -- lol!) as if that is what they are. I'm the one who pointed out the ridiculousness of favoring one personality by default and suggested that compromise and understanding your partner is the name of the game -- and you dare say I'm unaccommodating?
Exactly as you said, relationships are a complex negotiation. Claiming that inability to simply sit and listen to solvable troubles is "the problem" is unhelpful. It is SOMETIMES the problem -- probably more often than not -- but sometimes people just whine too much and are too full of themselves to accept much needed help and it's unhelpful to blame the listener for not wanting to sit through that emotionally draining experience every day of their life.
It sounds like you are talking about people who have significant issues regulating their emotions. I definitely agree those situations are much more difficult. Sometimes, if possible, the winning move is to not play.
Perhaps you could have explicitly stated your context in the beginning, as it seems most others were assuming two relatively well-adjusted individuals.
Yes, sorry, I should have made that clear. I'm the "informational" type and learned long ago to just listen to complaints, especially from casual acquaintances. But I've also met my fair share of people who willingly dump some pretty serious issues on me -- issues that are within their power, if not their will, to fix -- and my inability to be the emotional sponge these individuals seek is emphatically not a problem with me, or with anyone else in that situation.
If the person you habitually complain to consistently offers informational rather than emotional support, it's likely that they do so because they lack the capacity to simply absorb your emotional outporing. Consider that, regardless of how much they care for you, they may not be capable of significantly developing this ability. If that is the case, the advice the article offers is unhelpful, and the relationship would be better served by the complainer finding another outlet for their emotional stress, or learning to accept well-intentioned advice.
And perhaps you're ignoring that some people give emotional support by analyzing and offering some way to fix the issue? Many people when they don't care, they wouldn't bother trying.
