How to look like you know about wine when offered a taste. I don't have a great palate, but I have watched the experts...this is how to fit in.
1. Pick the glass up. If it is an older wine hold the glass at 45 degrees and in front of the light. Make a noise like you noticed something. Time for a gentle swirl. If the wine forms into streaks ("legs") it is due to high alcohol or high sugar content. Store that info for later.
2. Put the glass back on the counter-top. Palm-down with the stem trapped between your index and middle fingers swirl it in circles on the counter-top. Make it look like you feel this is important.
3. Sniff. Compost smell is considered bad. If it doesn't smell of compost or vinegar, but something more pleasant make a vague "mm" noise. Don't overdo it. Wine does not have a smell, it has a "nose". If it is fruitier on the nose than the last thing you tried, then it is probably safe to say so.
4. Now take a mouth full and suck air through it as noisily as you can, just like you were told not to when you were a child. If it isn't rancid, give an intrigued look, but don't commit.
5. Spit. A good long spit is the pro-style, dribbling is bad. If there is no spittoon, then swallow. Spitting on someones floor is bad form.
repeat steps 4 and 5. The experts always taste more than once.
6. Now the hard bit, you might get asked your opinion. "interesting" is a great play for time, maybe they will lead. If it is a red and very tannic (dry feeling in your mouth) you could comment that it would be a nice food wine. Now the magic, just like coffee, the longer you can taste it for (the "length") the better the wine. If you get a lovely mixture of spices that is still there in 30 seconds you can safely say it has "good length". If you can still taste it the next morning it either wasn't so good, or you tried a little too much.
Advanced blagging:
Wine tastes: Certain regions are supposed to taste certain ways with their own jargon. Here are a few to blag with.
White Burgundy (Chablis, Macconais etc): "minerality" is the word to work in.
New Zealand sauvignon blanc: Grapefruit=good, lemons=bad
Bordeaux: "Full-bodied", "Tannin"
Rhone valley (Chatuex-neuf-de-pape etc): Can you taste green -peppers? say so
Hot dry places (Chille, Australia, California) are supposed to produce fruitier wine than the same grape from France.
White Zinfandel : Don't admit to liking sweet white Zinfandel, unless you are on a hen-night
Germany/ Alsace: You will struggle to blag here, save it for another time.
So maybe that wont help you enjoy wine, but you can show your friends up, and really that is one of the most important things in life.
I ended up helping a somm friend out once with a high profile event they were a man down for. She told me me to always throw in a tasting note of "Medium - Medium Plus acidity" and then to reference abstract things as flavors, such as a crisp fall afternoon. It's 90% telling a narrative and having a story to put into people's mind and 10% actual tasting.
